I wrote about the sudden unexpected death of my step-daughter. That was a tragedy of enormous proportions in my life. She was so young; two children who adored her; a husband who practically worshiped her; grandchildren who relied on Grandma for her hugs and kisses and things like chocolate chip cookies. Then, of course, there was the extended family of which I am honored to have been a part.
When a death like this occurs, it makes one think - that old demon is out there lurking around just waiting for any one of us. To top that off, I have undergone some medical tests recently which thankfully ended well, but could just have easily predicted my demise.
All together, those events have made me look around for all the unfinished business I would leave behind if it had been my turn to go. I am not afraid of death at all; I am a Christian and I strongly believe God's Word promises me eternity with Him.
For years, I have been trying to save money to pre-pay my funeral so that my few relatives will not be forced to deal with the difficult task of selections and decisions that nobody enjoys making. When I had the money, there was always something I would rather do, so on it goes.
Here is a short list of things I would like to accomplish before my doorbell rings for the last time.
1. I would like to go back to England and visit with my friends. I'd like to see Canterbury Cathedral, Marlowe's Restaurant, and Ersham Lodge once more. I would enjoy another of those cab rides which Jim would provide if I had some time to kill and nothing more important on my to-do list for the day.
2. I would like to visit places I have never been and do things I have never done; see people, places and things that I have never seen.
3. I have some terrific internet friends that I would like to meet in person.
4. I would like to watch a Hallmark commercial without crying.
5. And the most important on this list is that I would like to make amends with people whom I have offended. It has been my experience that in life, an argument requires two sides and a divorce usually is the result of both parties having differences that seemingly can't be overcome.
I sincerely do not know what I did to everyone I have offended, but I would apologize for it anyway because if Sara's death taught me anything at all it is that life is entirely too short to live with unfinished business.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Main Gear Touchdown
I love the manned spaceflight program of the United States. I remember very well the Mercury 7 astronauts. There was a time when I could tell you all of their names and the names of the spacecraft they flew. Eventually, I couldn't keep up any longer. NASA added more and more astronauts and spacecraft.
Then along came the glider that we know as the space shuttle. Challenger and Columbia have narrowed the number of usable shuttles and someone somewhere thinks the shuttle program has outlived its usefulness and is to be retired.
Something else will come along to take its place; however, I don't know what or when. Obama is cutting funds to NASA and still talking out the side of his mouth saying that we need to go farther into space and visit other planets. Surely he knows you can't do that without money.
There is a very valid argument that the entire space program should be cut off from the funding machine. I certainly see that side of the argument. Spending is out of control in Washington and because of that our world and the world of our great-grandchildren may never be the same.
On the other hand if there is a chance to further medical science to help save lives, or to gain knowledge in other areas, should we not at least attempt to learn what can be learned?
If the choice were mine, I would rather see funding for science over bailing out a failing badly managed business. The federal government isn't supposed to own businesses anyway. Individuals through the system of free-enterprise are supposed to do that.
Shuttle Discovery landed early this morning in Florida after just over two weeks in space. And I was watching. There are only a few shuttle flights remaining in the program, and I hope to watch all of them. I also hope to watch whatever comes next. I still have a healthy respect for America's NASA astronauts. They are some of the best and brightest military pilots, engineers and scientists our nation produces.
Maybe instead of trimming the space program, we could just trim the bureaucracy that surrounds them. Wonder why nobody has thought of trying that?
Then along came the glider that we know as the space shuttle. Challenger and Columbia have narrowed the number of usable shuttles and someone somewhere thinks the shuttle program has outlived its usefulness and is to be retired.
Something else will come along to take its place; however, I don't know what or when. Obama is cutting funds to NASA and still talking out the side of his mouth saying that we need to go farther into space and visit other planets. Surely he knows you can't do that without money.
There is a very valid argument that the entire space program should be cut off from the funding machine. I certainly see that side of the argument. Spending is out of control in Washington and because of that our world and the world of our great-grandchildren may never be the same.
On the other hand if there is a chance to further medical science to help save lives, or to gain knowledge in other areas, should we not at least attempt to learn what can be learned?
If the choice were mine, I would rather see funding for science over bailing out a failing badly managed business. The federal government isn't supposed to own businesses anyway. Individuals through the system of free-enterprise are supposed to do that.
Shuttle Discovery landed early this morning in Florida after just over two weeks in space. And I was watching. There are only a few shuttle flights remaining in the program, and I hope to watch all of them. I also hope to watch whatever comes next. I still have a healthy respect for America's NASA astronauts. They are some of the best and brightest military pilots, engineers and scientists our nation produces.
Maybe instead of trimming the space program, we could just trim the bureaucracy that surrounds them. Wonder why nobody has thought of trying that?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same
Every single day we are all faced with changes. For some of us, accepting the change and the trials that come with it seem insurmountable at times. We picture ourselves resting comfortably in our comfort zone for the rest of our lives knowing that regardless how hard we try, it will not stay that way.
If nothing else, we age daily and that in itself is a change. Our ideas and attitudes change along with that aging process. Perhaps the hardest part of that aspect of our changing lives is the change our bodies go through as the weeks, months and years go by.
The challenges I face are not the same as yours; nor are they the same as those of a professional athlete. Sports in America and indeed the entire world are a big part of our lives. From season to season we find ourselves accepting changes we agree and/or disagree with in the makeup of the teams we support.
For many years, I was a die-hard Dallas Cowboys fan. I ate, slept and breathed for football season. I sat at those pre-season games and baked in the heat or shivered in the cold of the winter games to enjoy watching the talents of men like Roger Staubach, Drew Pearson, Charlie Waters, Ed "Too-Tall" Jones, Harvey Martin, and Tony Dorsett. Ahhh... the good old days!
Then along came Jerry Jones. He fired Tom Landry, so I fired the Cowboys. I gave up my season tickets, and I have not watched even one Cowboys game all the way through on television since then. I certainly haven't attended a game, and I have absolutely no plans to do so in the future.
A few years later, I was part of a work group who went to a hockey game at the old Reunion Arena in Dallas. I had no idea what hockey was about, and I didn't want to embarrass my co-workers by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. To prevent this from happening, I started watching a few games on television before we went.
The announcers for the Dallas Stars are Ralph Strangis and Daryl Reaugh. Naturally I think they are the best in the business. There have been a few occasions since I moved from the Dallas area when I have had to listen to the games via radio on my computer. Once in a while, for whatever reason, I have had to listen to the commentators for the other team during the game. What a difference I notice when that happens!
It's that comfort zone thing again, I'm sure, but Ralph and Razor, as they are affectionately known, are truly informative, interesting and entertaining. Through their excellent efforts I have learned a little about the game and the players who play the game. Sure, I have my favorite players - many of whom no longer play the game. Remember that change I mentioned earlier? Watch a professional sports team from year to year if you want to see change! The players I have received so much pleasure in watching change from year to year. Sometimes, they even change from month to month or even game to game.
One player has been a constant for the entire time I have been watching the Dallas Stars. Mike Modano. In the first place, he is absolutely too pretty to be a professional hockey player. Aren't they supposed to have teeth knocked out and cuts and bruises all over their faces from fights, hockey sticks and pucks? He doesn't. He is gorgeous.
But that's not where it ends. He is without a doubt the best American-born hockey player in all of the NHL, and he has the stats to prove it. His record-setting career looks like this:
NHL
• Goals by a player born in the United States (557)
• Points by an American-born player (1329)
• Playoff points by an American -born player, career (145)
• Games played by an American-born forward (1456)
Minnesota North Stars/Dallas Stars
• Games played, regular season and playoffs (1400, 174)
• Goals, regular season and playoffs (556,58)
• Assists, regular season and playoffs (801,87)
• Points, regular season and playoffs (1329, 145)
Mike Modano will soon be 40 years old. To me, that still seems so young, but in the world of hockey (up to 82 regular season games, untold practice sessions, myriad player meetings, etc for his 21-year career) he is an "old man." Knowing that he is nearing retirement, this has been a special year for Mike Modano and all of his fans.
I am not looking forward to making the change to Dallas Stars hockey without Mike Modano, but I know it is a change that is coming. If not next year, the year after, or the year after that. That time is to be determined by Mike Modano himself, as it should be.
Opposing teams watch him skate, shoot, score and win with awe. Fans cheer and stop in their tracks when he makes one of his "Mike Modano" moves that no other player seems to do.
Mike, you do what is best for you. I will miss you when you go. For a period of time, it may seem that the team will never be the same, but I will eventually accept the change that will come without you to shore up the roster and solidify the fan-base.
Thank you for being such an integral part of my Dallas Stars experience.
Man, I hate change!
If nothing else, we age daily and that in itself is a change. Our ideas and attitudes change along with that aging process. Perhaps the hardest part of that aspect of our changing lives is the change our bodies go through as the weeks, months and years go by.
The challenges I face are not the same as yours; nor are they the same as those of a professional athlete. Sports in America and indeed the entire world are a big part of our lives. From season to season we find ourselves accepting changes we agree and/or disagree with in the makeup of the teams we support.
For many years, I was a die-hard Dallas Cowboys fan. I ate, slept and breathed for football season. I sat at those pre-season games and baked in the heat or shivered in the cold of the winter games to enjoy watching the talents of men like Roger Staubach, Drew Pearson, Charlie Waters, Ed "Too-Tall" Jones, Harvey Martin, and Tony Dorsett. Ahhh... the good old days!
Then along came Jerry Jones. He fired Tom Landry, so I fired the Cowboys. I gave up my season tickets, and I have not watched even one Cowboys game all the way through on television since then. I certainly haven't attended a game, and I have absolutely no plans to do so in the future.
A few years later, I was part of a work group who went to a hockey game at the old Reunion Arena in Dallas. I had no idea what hockey was about, and I didn't want to embarrass my co-workers by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. To prevent this from happening, I started watching a few games on television before we went.
The announcers for the Dallas Stars are Ralph Strangis and Daryl Reaugh. Naturally I think they are the best in the business. There have been a few occasions since I moved from the Dallas area when I have had to listen to the games via radio on my computer. Once in a while, for whatever reason, I have had to listen to the commentators for the other team during the game. What a difference I notice when that happens!
It's that comfort zone thing again, I'm sure, but Ralph and Razor, as they are affectionately known, are truly informative, interesting and entertaining. Through their excellent efforts I have learned a little about the game and the players who play the game. Sure, I have my favorite players - many of whom no longer play the game. Remember that change I mentioned earlier? Watch a professional sports team from year to year if you want to see change! The players I have received so much pleasure in watching change from year to year. Sometimes, they even change from month to month or even game to game.
One player has been a constant for the entire time I have been watching the Dallas Stars. Mike Modano. In the first place, he is absolutely too pretty to be a professional hockey player. Aren't they supposed to have teeth knocked out and cuts and bruises all over their faces from fights, hockey sticks and pucks? He doesn't. He is gorgeous.
But that's not where it ends. He is without a doubt the best American-born hockey player in all of the NHL, and he has the stats to prove it. His record-setting career looks like this:
NHL
• Goals by a player born in the United States (557)
• Points by an American-born player (1329)
• Playoff points by an American -born player, career (145)
• Games played by an American-born forward (1456)
Minnesota North Stars/Dallas Stars
• Games played, regular season and playoffs (1400, 174)
• Goals, regular season and playoffs (556,58)
• Assists, regular season and playoffs (801,87)
• Points, regular season and playoffs (1329, 145)
Mike Modano will soon be 40 years old. To me, that still seems so young, but in the world of hockey (up to 82 regular season games, untold practice sessions, myriad player meetings, etc for his 21-year career) he is an "old man." Knowing that he is nearing retirement, this has been a special year for Mike Modano and all of his fans.
I am not looking forward to making the change to Dallas Stars hockey without Mike Modano, but I know it is a change that is coming. If not next year, the year after, or the year after that. That time is to be determined by Mike Modano himself, as it should be.
Opposing teams watch him skate, shoot, score and win with awe. Fans cheer and stop in their tracks when he makes one of his "Mike Modano" moves that no other player seems to do.
Mike, you do what is best for you. I will miss you when you go. For a period of time, it may seem that the team will never be the same, but I will eventually accept the change that will come without you to shore up the roster and solidify the fan-base.
Thank you for being such an integral part of my Dallas Stars experience.
Man, I hate change!
Friday, April 2, 2010
He is Not Here For He Has Risen!
Rejoice! He has risen!
It must not have felt like "happy time in the garden" that Resurrection Morning when the women went to officially anoint the body of Jesus for burial and found His body gone. After all, this was only a few days after they had witnessed His cruel and painful crucifixion. They had seen His blood pour from His head where the Roman soldiers had placed a crown of thorns. They had watched as a soldier pierced His side.
He was gone. He had died. What were they to do now? I have often wondered why they didn't just believe.
Before He died, He walked around teaching about faith and trust and belief in Him saying that to know Him was to know the Father Who sent Him. Almost certainly there had been a time when the women and the Twelve were standing nearby as Jesus answered the Jews who doubted Him, "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up."
Did they not realize this was the third day?
They must not have taken Him seriously because here they were on their way to anoint His body. He had been removed from the cross just before sundown that fateful Friday evening at which time the Sabbath would begin. Some men had hurriedly placed His body in a borrowed tomb because Jewish law dictated that they would be able to do no work on the Sabbath; perhaps the walk to the cross where He would have been left hanging was further than the law allowed them to walk to be able to remove His body on the Sabbath. Certainly it was considered work to have performed a ritualistic and formal burial.
Yet if they had listened. If they had only believed what He said - He told them He would raise up the temple that was His body.
Perhaps they, like we, believed IN Him but failed to simply believe. I am ashamed to admit that I have been doubtful at times about why He doesn't seem to be answering my prayers. It has taken me many prayers and many years to realize that those are the times His answer is "not now."
Sometimes I wonder why He is taking so long. He said He will return, yet He hasn't. I have to merely accept that He WILL without fail return simply because He said so. I must just believe.
The women who went to the tomb that morning should have done that. They should have just believed. He was not there for He had risen!
Hallelujah! He has risen!
It must not have felt like "happy time in the garden" that Resurrection Morning when the women went to officially anoint the body of Jesus for burial and found His body gone. After all, this was only a few days after they had witnessed His cruel and painful crucifixion. They had seen His blood pour from His head where the Roman soldiers had placed a crown of thorns. They had watched as a soldier pierced His side.
He was gone. He had died. What were they to do now? I have often wondered why they didn't just believe.
Before He died, He walked around teaching about faith and trust and belief in Him saying that to know Him was to know the Father Who sent Him. Almost certainly there had been a time when the women and the Twelve were standing nearby as Jesus answered the Jews who doubted Him, "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up."
Did they not realize this was the third day?
They must not have taken Him seriously because here they were on their way to anoint His body. He had been removed from the cross just before sundown that fateful Friday evening at which time the Sabbath would begin. Some men had hurriedly placed His body in a borrowed tomb because Jewish law dictated that they would be able to do no work on the Sabbath; perhaps the walk to the cross where He would have been left hanging was further than the law allowed them to walk to be able to remove His body on the Sabbath. Certainly it was considered work to have performed a ritualistic and formal burial.
Yet if they had listened. If they had only believed what He said - He told them He would raise up the temple that was His body.
Perhaps they, like we, believed IN Him but failed to simply believe. I am ashamed to admit that I have been doubtful at times about why He doesn't seem to be answering my prayers. It has taken me many prayers and many years to realize that those are the times His answer is "not now."
Sometimes I wonder why He is taking so long. He said He will return, yet He hasn't. I have to merely accept that He WILL without fail return simply because He said so. I must just believe.
The women who went to the tomb that morning should have done that. They should have just believed. He was not there for He had risen!
Hallelujah! He has risen!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Decisions
Ever thought about how many times during the course of your normal daily routine you must make a decision?
What am I going to wear today?
Which shoes?
Purse or no?
Where did I leave my car keys?
What am I cooking for dinner?
Can we afford to eat out tonight?
Then of course, there's my all-time favorite - real sugar or artificial sweetener?
That's extremely helpful to know when it involves making lemonade from those lemons life hands you.
My own answer to that decision is always an easy one. Real sugar. Why? Because nothing is colder on a long hot summer day than a cold beer. But I don't drink beer, so for me, it's lemonade or nothing. That means real sugar because it makes more sense to me to put something real into my body rather than something artificial.
Too many calories? Too much fat? So? What else is new? You didn't worry about too much fat when you ate that brownie at work, did you? Or how about when you went to lunch and had a nice diet-friendly salad? How much salad dressing did you use? How many crackers did you eat with those croutons?
I've been fat most of my life, and you know what? I don't really care. I've tried all sorts of diets and nothing worked. I'm 60 now, and there are other more important things than losing weight.
Go ahead and eat that piece of chocolate cake. Just don't eat the whole cake at one time.
Everything in moderation.
Okay... next decision. Turn the dishwasher on or wait for a few more items to go in?
What am I going to wear today?
Which shoes?
Purse or no?
Where did I leave my car keys?
What am I cooking for dinner?
Can we afford to eat out tonight?
Then of course, there's my all-time favorite - real sugar or artificial sweetener?
That's extremely helpful to know when it involves making lemonade from those lemons life hands you.
My own answer to that decision is always an easy one. Real sugar. Why? Because nothing is colder on a long hot summer day than a cold beer. But I don't drink beer, so for me, it's lemonade or nothing. That means real sugar because it makes more sense to me to put something real into my body rather than something artificial.
Too many calories? Too much fat? So? What else is new? You didn't worry about too much fat when you ate that brownie at work, did you? Or how about when you went to lunch and had a nice diet-friendly salad? How much salad dressing did you use? How many crackers did you eat with those croutons?
I've been fat most of my life, and you know what? I don't really care. I've tried all sorts of diets and nothing worked. I'm 60 now, and there are other more important things than losing weight.
Go ahead and eat that piece of chocolate cake. Just don't eat the whole cake at one time.
Everything in moderation.
Okay... next decision. Turn the dishwasher on or wait for a few more items to go in?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
My Thanks to All of You
I have returned from an event I never guessed I would ever have to attend - Sara's funeral. It was very sad watching her husband, children and extended family hurting because there was absolutely nothing I could do to make that pain go away. We leaned on each other for support and it felt good to laugh a little about some of the fun times we all remembered between outbreaks of tears.
One of the things I remember was the Christmas Gingerbread House we made. A little piece of advice for you - don't ask a 15-year-old girl what she would like to do unless you are fully prepared to do it. Have you ever laid thinly-sliced almonds across the roof of a gingerbread house? A very tedious task, I can assure you. Almost as bad as putting red hots on bushes made of green-tinted frosting to simulate the berries on a holly bush. It turned out to be a work of art of which we were both very proud. The memory is priceless to me.
At times like these we become even more thankful for our friends. I am more blessed than I realized. I have received many emails, sympathy cards and phone calls. I can't tell you how much it has warmed my heart to feel your comfort. Some of the people I have heard from since I've been home are people I haven't heard from for quite a while. I have even heard from people through other people rather than directly. A couple of these people for whatever reason haven't spoken to me for six months. I appreciate their expressions of sympathy.
Many of you know that Sara was a registered nurse. Like all the nurses I know, she had a heart for giving to other people, and this was her way of doing it. She was a very good nurse, so I am told. Quite obviously she was loved and appreciated by her co-workers who filled almost one half of the funeral chapel.
Our lives were enriched probably more than we realized because Sara was part of us, and it will be a hard adjustment for all of us in our own ways to pick up the pieces of what seems like an impossible-to-overcome tragedy, but with time, we will be able to accept our loss and remember the good that was Sara.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They have helped and will continue to help me as I work through my own grieving process. God bless each of you.
One of the things I remember was the Christmas Gingerbread House we made. A little piece of advice for you - don't ask a 15-year-old girl what she would like to do unless you are fully prepared to do it. Have you ever laid thinly-sliced almonds across the roof of a gingerbread house? A very tedious task, I can assure you. Almost as bad as putting red hots on bushes made of green-tinted frosting to simulate the berries on a holly bush. It turned out to be a work of art of which we were both very proud. The memory is priceless to me.
At times like these we become even more thankful for our friends. I am more blessed than I realized. I have received many emails, sympathy cards and phone calls. I can't tell you how much it has warmed my heart to feel your comfort. Some of the people I have heard from since I've been home are people I haven't heard from for quite a while. I have even heard from people through other people rather than directly. A couple of these people for whatever reason haven't spoken to me for six months. I appreciate their expressions of sympathy.
Many of you know that Sara was a registered nurse. Like all the nurses I know, she had a heart for giving to other people, and this was her way of doing it. She was a very good nurse, so I am told. Quite obviously she was loved and appreciated by her co-workers who filled almost one half of the funeral chapel.
Our lives were enriched probably more than we realized because Sara was part of us, and it will be a hard adjustment for all of us in our own ways to pick up the pieces of what seems like an impossible-to-overcome tragedy, but with time, we will be able to accept our loss and remember the good that was Sara.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. They have helped and will continue to help me as I work through my own grieving process. God bless each of you.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
My Own Obituary for My Daughter
In 1975, I met a wonderful - not perfect - man. We were eventually married in 1979. He had two beautiful daughters from a previous marriage. I have never had children of my own. It didn't take long for his two daughters to twine their fingers around my heart. I grew to love those two girls as though they were my own.
They knew how I felt. I never tried to hide from either of them that I thought of them as my own daughters. Even after their father's drinking brought about our divorce in 1990, the girls were still a part of my heart. Thanks to them, I have 5 wonderful beautiful grandchildren and 4 great-grandchildren.
Through the years, we didn't visit each other very often because I did not want them to feel as though I was trying to put myself into a position where I didn't belong - between them and their father. The older daughter and I lost touch with each other, and I have missed so very much sharing the times of her life.
The younger one, Sara, and I talked on the phone relatively often between her busy life as a registered nurse, doting mother and grandmother and wife and my own weird lifestyle. I have never been one to go to bed early, get up early, and eat my meals at a certain time every day, and with the time difference between where we live, it wasn't always conducive to talking on the phone as often as we would both have liked.
Oh, how I will miss those telephone conversations.
My granddaughter-in-law called me tonight to tell me that there has been an accident and Sara, my beautiful daughter, has died. I don't have any life-experience to fall back on here. I don't know how I am to handle all this. All I know is that they want me there, so I must go. And I have to rely on God to give me the strength to do the things I will need to do for them once I am there.
I know what Sara's children, Kacey and Coleman, are going through because I have lost my mother to death as well. I know just a touch of what Max, Sara's husband, is going though because when Sara's father died two years ago, she wanted me to be there for her, so there I was. Even then, I couldn't deny that I still had feelings for him, so his death was not as difficult an adjustment as Max will have to go through, but still it wasn't as easy as one would have thought.
Even loving Sara as my own daughter, I know that she isn't. I am not her mother. Just her favorite ex-step-mother. I have no idea what Sara's mother must be feeling right now. I hope she will be able to rely on her faith and her husband for the comfort she will need.
Sara was 46 and very beautiful. She knew I love her very much. And somehow, I think she knows that I am grieving now. I have already been able to thank God for the joy of her life, but even knowing that my faith in God is strong and will see me through this trying time isn't going to remove the grief of her loss. It will temper it with the times we shared; our talks, our laughter, our sharing of ourselves.
I'm thankful to God for having placed her in my life. And I'm thankful to God for welcoming her home now.
I hope by writing this I will begin to feel an acceptance of this tragedy that I know must surely come. There have been times in my life when I have asked God to go through something for me because I knew I wasn't capable of going through it myself. He always did and allowed me to follow Him This is another one of those times when I need Him to go through this for me and let me follow Him. I know I can't do this on my own.
They knew how I felt. I never tried to hide from either of them that I thought of them as my own daughters. Even after their father's drinking brought about our divorce in 1990, the girls were still a part of my heart. Thanks to them, I have 5 wonderful beautiful grandchildren and 4 great-grandchildren.
Through the years, we didn't visit each other very often because I did not want them to feel as though I was trying to put myself into a position where I didn't belong - between them and their father. The older daughter and I lost touch with each other, and I have missed so very much sharing the times of her life.
The younger one, Sara, and I talked on the phone relatively often between her busy life as a registered nurse, doting mother and grandmother and wife and my own weird lifestyle. I have never been one to go to bed early, get up early, and eat my meals at a certain time every day, and with the time difference between where we live, it wasn't always conducive to talking on the phone as often as we would both have liked.
Oh, how I will miss those telephone conversations.
My granddaughter-in-law called me tonight to tell me that there has been an accident and Sara, my beautiful daughter, has died. I don't have any life-experience to fall back on here. I don't know how I am to handle all this. All I know is that they want me there, so I must go. And I have to rely on God to give me the strength to do the things I will need to do for them once I am there.
I know what Sara's children, Kacey and Coleman, are going through because I have lost my mother to death as well. I know just a touch of what Max, Sara's husband, is going though because when Sara's father died two years ago, she wanted me to be there for her, so there I was. Even then, I couldn't deny that I still had feelings for him, so his death was not as difficult an adjustment as Max will have to go through, but still it wasn't as easy as one would have thought.
Even loving Sara as my own daughter, I know that she isn't. I am not her mother. Just her favorite ex-step-mother. I have no idea what Sara's mother must be feeling right now. I hope she will be able to rely on her faith and her husband for the comfort she will need.
Sara was 46 and very beautiful. She knew I love her very much. And somehow, I think she knows that I am grieving now. I have already been able to thank God for the joy of her life, but even knowing that my faith in God is strong and will see me through this trying time isn't going to remove the grief of her loss. It will temper it with the times we shared; our talks, our laughter, our sharing of ourselves.
I'm thankful to God for having placed her in my life. And I'm thankful to God for welcoming her home now.
I hope by writing this I will begin to feel an acceptance of this tragedy that I know must surely come. There have been times in my life when I have asked God to go through something for me because I knew I wasn't capable of going through it myself. He always did and allowed me to follow Him This is another one of those times when I need Him to go through this for me and let me follow Him. I know I can't do this on my own.
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